Friday, 26 April 2013

The Conspiracy Theory

I have uncovered a conspiracy - a big baby conspiracy. I have to be careful as I write this - and I would urge you to be very careful where you read it. Your baby might be in a "peaceful slumber" nearby or happily writhing around on his playmat, or perched placidly in his baby chair - but just be aware, check over your shoulder, re-strengthen your computer passwords, check there isn't one eye open as he/she sleeps. You see, they want you to think they're not fully developed yet, that they are not aware, that they are sweet and innocent - that they don't know what is going on and that you are in control - but this is just not true.

It's taken me two months to cotton on to this - but slowly my suspicions have grown stronger and stronger - and now I can plainly see - this baby knows much more than he would have me believe. I would go so far as to say he possesses a 'radar' system - the sort an evil genius keeps at his evil headquarters.

His radar is used to inform him of what I am doing throughout my day. I assume it is located internally and gives off a wave of sound that only babies can hear. That's how they get away with it! Us adults sit there blissfully unaware - and behind the scenes armies of infants are listening to an internal baby siren that alerts them to the following:

  • Mummy has sat down with a hot beverage. 
  • Mummy has lifted up a fork, piled with food, and it is moving towards her mouth.
  • Mummy is flippin exhausted and really needs to sleep tonight as she has a big day tomorrow 
  • Mummy is in the supermarket
  • Mummy is at the doctors 
  • Mummy has an audience 
  • Mummy desperately needs to go to the toilet and in a second is going to leave the room 
  • Mummy has run out of batteries for my light up smiley face toy
  • Mummy has a good idea for a blog
  • Mummy has visitors coming and needs to tidy the house for the first time in weeks 
  • Mummy is at the end of her wick and just needs one hour of rest 
  • Mummy is really enjoying the last 5 minutes of peace
  • Mummy can't believe it is so quiet 
  • Mummy is just thinking how lucky she is that I have fallen asleep so easily
  • Mummy smugly believes she has achieved a 'routine' 
The siren goes off and the baby does his best to show me who is boss in the only way he knows how. It's a conspiracy I tell thee! 

My theory was set in stone this week as I wrote a blog stating that after seven weeks of being a Mum, I had finally got to grips with it all.  Seven Weeks  I wrote about how I finally had a routine, knew him so well, was great at being a Mother, could settle him, could get him to sleep etc. THE NEXT DAY .... he changed the game plan and everything I thought I knew - I didn't. He awoke a different baby. 

It was almost as if in the night he has woken up, sneaked over to my laptop, hacked my blogger account and read the previous blog! It was almost as if he had said: 

'HA! So she thinks she understands me does she? Well I'll show her..." Almost as if.... 

Parents - be aware - THEY are aware. It's a conspiracy! 

Infamy, infamy - I'm sure he's got it in for me!  

1 comment:

  1. Hello Stephanie, I am Molly, a MA student from De Montfort University.
    I saw your blog from mothercare and wondering if I can interview you as my target customer for my report? It is a email interview will conduct via email with few questions about my business idea, and won't spend you too much time.
    Sorry for the botheration, help you can give me a hand and looking forward to your feedback !

    This is my email address
    P11005037@myemail.dmu.ac.uk

    Thank you!

    ReplyDelete

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