Thursday, 19 March 2015

41 Weeks Pregnant - We'll Smoke The Blighter Out

Captain's Log. Week 41. Plus 2. 9 days over due. HMS Whale.

I had a rather stilted telephone conversation with my Father yesterday. To paint a picture for you my Father is like a cross between Prince Charles, John Cleese and a pilot from the RAF during World War One. 

Dad: Hello, all well your end? 
Me: Well ... there is still no ... 
Ah, no, well, yes ... weather good here...
So I am eight days overdue which means ...
Like a Spring day here ... 
I have to go to the Midwife today ...
Ah, yes, well... mmm... Mid...wives ...
And I will have to have ... 
Did you catch University Challenge? 
A Procedure ...
Shame about Richard Briers ...
And if that doesn't work ...
Mmm... your Grandmother sends well wishes 
They will have to ...
Ah, yes, they WILL I suppose ...
Induce me ...
Mmm... yes... well ... no post for you here ...
Which I didn't really want because ...
Yes, well I'm going to have a spot of lunch before work ...
I wanted him to come naturally ...
SINGAPORE Noodles! 
Ok Dad, enjoy. 

He doesn't like to talk about it.
I am sick of talking about it.
I thought I would be talking about something else at this point. 

I'm quite blasé about the whole labour thing at this point. Don't get me wrong - I was absolutely petrified of giving birth - but you can't continually stay petrified for two weeks. It is as though a psychopath called me two weeks ago and said, in a chilling tone "I am going to come around and hurt you ... at some point". You can spend the first week terrified, aware of every noise, every feeling, every twinge - and then you just run out of energy. You resign yourself to it. "Get on with it" you shout. "I just need to get on with my life! Come and get me!" 

If I have one more bath my skin may peel off. One can only have so many baths a day before the 'relaxing' element of them is made redundant. Not to mention the fact I look like a Hippo at a Watering Hole - and to use a quote from 'Jaws': "We're gonna need a bigger bath". 

Yesterday morning I had my supermarket shopping delivered. The delivery man was very jovial. He said cheerily, "How are you today?" 
"OVERDUE" I snapped. 
"Oh!" he said, before looking me up and down. "I couldn't even tell because you were standing front on." I could have kissed him. 
Then he continued "A woman's waters broke in front of me once". 
"Maybe you are good luck?" I said. 
I had to restrain myself, greatly, from asking him in for a cup of tea - or lunch, or to stay the night. 

Then in the afternoon I had a meeting with Sooty's notorious friend! I tottered back to the Midwife for my 'final' appointment before I have my baby. 
My midwife said "Wow, you got your knickers off quick!" 
"Not my first time..." I said. 

Things are looking up today - I have my 1000 piece jigsaw to finish, I have some crumpets to eat for breakfast, I can have another bath, and ... Mother will be descending on us this afternoon. If there is one thing that will warm the cockles of your heart and cheer the spirits - it is a visit from the Mother Ship. I wonder what cautionary tales of woe she will bring with her.

We have less than 5 days for the little one to make his move or God Damn it - we will come up there and get him! "Don't make me come up there and get you boy!"  

Do you remember the scene in Alice in Wonderland when Alice has outgrown the Rabbit's house. Her head is sticking out of the top. Her arms and legs are sticking out of his windows and doors. The rabbit screams "Beast... Beast!" And then the song starts: 

"Oh, ho ho ... Oh, We'll smoke the blighter out
We'll put the beast to rout
Some kindling, just a stick or two, 
Ah, this bit of rubbish ought to do

We'll roast the blighter's toes 
We'll toast the bounder's nose 
just fetch that gate
we'll make it clear 
That monsters aren't welcome here! 

Without a single doubt
We'll smoke the blighter out!

We'll smoke the monster out!"

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